Bad Dreams: A Taste of How Porn Betrays
Last night I had the worst dream I’ve ever had. I got a taste of the emotions someone feels when they are betrayed. In the grand scheme of the universe and young couples, I haven’t been dating my girlfriend that long, just over a year. But we are serious and since the beginning have been intentional about “going some where” with the relationship. We have open conversations about marriage and we have thought hard about the details of spousal relationships.
Last night I had a dream that my girlfriend suddenly decided to leave me for somebody else and marry him the next day. She tells me that all along she has sort of had feelings for this usurper too. That, during all the sweet little couple moments of whispers and affections, all the declarations of one true love, at the same time she loved someone else.
I remember feeling desperate and hopeless trying to contact her and figure out how she could go from “You’re the love of my life” to “I’m going to marry this other guy right NOW” and her impatience to consummate the marriage.
Of course I was angry! Who is this guy? I don’t understand what is going on, and cant seem to prevent her total willingness to give herself away …
When I woke up it took a while for me to realize it was a dream and then my first thought was to find that little metal spinning top a la Inception.
I breathlessly prayed “God, this is the worst I’ve ever felt in my life, please take this away!”
God told my spirit “This is what she feels when you give in to sin and look at porn.”
She confirmed it. What I felt in my dream, about her betrayal and abandonment, is how she feels when I fail, mess up and sin. I’m choosing to lust for something else, an usurper, with total willingness to give myself away and leave my identity as a follower of Christ and the man she loves.
And yet the Father showed his grace through her when she replied in a text, “Yeah, but that’s my emotional reaction. I love you though, so I am more concerned about you finding healing and waiting on God to get to the source of your struggles rather than react on an emotional level to make myself feel better in the moment, but make you feel worse.”
I breathlessly prayed “God, this is the worst I’ve ever felt in my life, please DON’T EVER let me to forget this!”
O Lord, you have blessed me beyond how I will ever fully know.
Brandon McCraw said,
August 24, 2011 at 12:47 pm
Amen Mr. Watson. Feeling betrayed by someone you love is the absolute worst feeling in the world. Having recently felt like this, I can attest like that. I never correlated it to porn though. Thanks for the insight and keep seeking to be a better man for your love.
Praying for ya brother.